Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!

I posted a picture of my forehead on Facebook asking my friends to "guess" what was wrong with the picture.  Two friends immediately responded.  Well, weren't they perfectly sweet to do so! Here I was bemoaning the fact that my hair, at the roots, is quite gray and these two shu-gah dumplins' rub it in like two egg suckin' dawgs! 

I spend $65 every 6 weeks to get that gray covered and highlighted.  By the second week the gray around the face, the crown, and around my ears pretty much pops up.  Bless my heart. As my "friends" pointed out very quickly their opinions about  this predicament of mine ballooned into a subject greater than me.  I nevah!  The subject turned more and more into "big hair" and the way of the south.  Ah the south, land of sweet tea, corn bread, trucks, Ava Gardner, Andy Griffth, butter beans, pecan pie, pork barbecue, chili on a hot dog, Castle Sauce, and fine manners. I quickly reaffirmed my southern roots defending my need to have big, dark and glossy hair.  This is not a nod to the 80's but to who I am, a southern, albeit Cuban, woman.

As a Southern woman I know that biscuits are way better than bagels or croissants.  We like real butter and buttermilk is a staple. Southern women, as depicted by Scarlett O'Hara, are coquettish and vain but like Scarlett we are strong as nails! Cross us and you will get a tongue lashing that in the end you won't know whether to say thank you or cower away in fear. We wear iron pants that match our shoes but we also know how to graciously accept a man's opening of a door or a tip of his hat.  We know how to support said man by uplifting him and reminding him he is so "bi-ig and sta-rong" and then closing the deal with a seductive, "come to mama shu-gah."  Ya'll know this to be true. 

As a southern woman I no longer enjoy sittin' on the front porch as air conditioning has all but ruin't the south. We suffer a morose nostalgia remembering the days of the front porch, swings and watching fireflies as we sipped ice tea from a Mason jar.  We curse the 92˚ weather that seems to last through October and then count the days for its return after the first snowfall hits the ground.  We have our flip flops at the ready and sun tan lotion close by; Off spray bottle near at hand. Skeeters rule on those hot summer days. They plumb drive ya to distraction!  

Southern folk know that Pepsi rules but then all soft drinks can be called a "coke." When asked what kind of "coke" you have to specify what type, as in I'll take a Dr. Pepper. And it is soft drink rarely soda. If Pepsi is King then Cheerwine is Queen.  RC cola is a red-headed step child of both.  Can't have an RC without thinking of moon pies (heated up) and a handful of peanuts thrown inside the glass bottle.  Heaven on a hot day. And by the way Southern women can cook!  We know how to make dumplings, chess pies, corn bread, buttermilk biscuits, a mess of collards, pintos, pork shoulder, catfish, homemade mac and cheese, fudge, coconut and carmel cake as well as a fine and bodacious poundcake. When that corn bread gets a little dry a southerner may grab a glass of buttermilk and crumble that cornbread in the glass and stir it up good.  Rye-ss and gravy rule with a side of fried okra, fried squash, and yup, you guessed it fried zucchini. We use linens to set our tables and our silver too.  We cook 3 times more food than needed in case company comes by.  Forget the Maltese Falcon, covered dish suppers are the stuff that dreams (or legends) are made.  We have thousands of casserole recipes in case of death, parties, a neighbor moves in, or someone gets sick.  We are always at the ready.  We live for those church suppers in which we'll get to sample Ms. Angel's coconut chess pie or Ms. Wanda's veggie casserole.

Southern folk are sometimes called by two names such as Mary Margaret, or Betty Sue, Ricky Bob, or Bobby Wayne.  Heck, we sometimes call each other by both first and last names, Betty Sue Williams, Ricky Bob Finch. As southern wives we may even call our husbands by both names such as "that Johnny Jones sure does love fishing ya'll." If we think you are older than us or can't really tell then you become a ma'am or sir as in "Yes Sir, I thank you for you generosity. I had no idea I was doing 75. I am ever so grateful you stopped me; I coulda hurt somebody. Lawd have mercy, you're so bi-ig and sta-rong."

A Southern girl does Christmas up big and no matter how fancy the tree or the ornaments there are magnolia leaves somewhere around the house used for decorations. During Thanksgiving we make dressing not stuffing and deviled eggs are to be included at every major meal.  Some form of jello salad may also be expected but not necessarily eaten. Easter is a time we can bring out the white shoes and it also signifies that spring has arrived not that ole Gregorian whatchamacalit calendar.  Southern gals can't wait for summer so they can high tail it to the coast and bake, their skin that is.  Calabash, Myrtle Beach, and moon light rendezvous on the dunes are treasured events. We never come home without a sand dollar(s) caught or bought. Southern women love their big hair since before the 1980's.  We are all pageant queens at heart.  You'd think we were talking about our men folk but the taller and stiffer (the hair) the happier we are.  We use endearments such as Hun, Shug-ah, sweet pea, Boo, Dah'lin, and Baby cakes, to name a few. They don't always mean a good thing even though they're said dripping in honey.   And if we say, "Bless yo, heart" then watch out cause that ain't always about pity could be pity in a negative way such as "Bless her heart she's as nervous as a whore in church."  

As to how we talk....Brian Wilson and Mike Love said it best...."The southern girls with the way they talk, they knock me out when I'm down there."  It's hard teaching phonics to young children when we know the word "boy" is one syllable and yet we say it in two Boiy-ee.  Or listen to the word "Hell" in Southern speak, "Hay-el."  Southerners are loyal to their college team, whether they attended college or not. If they are a Tarheel fan then their car is Carolina blue, their wardrobe consist of college garb, women have Tarheel pocketbooks (that's what we call our hand bags), and babies in the family never leave the house without some college outfit to advertise the family team.

As southern women we know we are always well groomed, hands well manicured, hair coiffed, matching outfit including pocketbook, no white shoes after Labor Day, and we wear plastic gloves to wash our dishes.  Your Mama and Deddy (yes, Deddy) are revered.  You listen to their stories and pass them down to the next generation always throwing out some reprobate that may prevent your child from gettin' into Duke, Carolina, or Wake Forest.  We are always afraid of what people might say.   A Southern girl has no issues with guns. It isn't unusual for your husband to all of a sudden shoot a squirrel away from the bird feeder faster than a knife fight in a phone booth all while ya'll are sitting on the back porch enjoying a summer breeze.  Oh and by the way, a redneck isn't necessarily a person living in the country.  And a redneck girl is far more dangerous than a redneck boy.  And yes, we all love our trucks.  SUVs are for sissies.

There is so much more about being a Southern woman or Southerner in general. I would love to hear your take on this subject.  I leave you with some southern speak that we use or have heard. Share your southern stories with me as you read through the following and add any Southern sayings or phrases you remember:

• If you don't stop that crying, I'll give you something to cry about!
• If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped. (When we say "if" too much)
• Close that NEWmonia hole. (close the window)
• Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower! (usually followed by: "Go get me a switch.")
• Don't you make eyes at me, boy! (if we rolled our eyes)
• Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.  
• He's so clumsy he'd trip over a cordless phone
• He's about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
• That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
• He couldn't carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.
• She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
• She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
• He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
• NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.
• Faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass (very fast; I never understood this one, but it was my aunt's favorite.)
• Gad night a livin' (good grief!)
• Higher than a Georgia pine (drunk)
• I'm fixin' to go down the road a piece (I'm going down the road for a short distance.)
• Well, I'll just swaney! (Well, I'll be darned.)
• Don't go off with your pistol half cocked. (Don't get mad unless you have all the facts.)
• We better git on the stick! (We better get started.)
• Somebody beat him with the ugly stick. (He's not very good looking.)
• I'll knock you so hard you'll see tomorrow today. (You're gonna get it!)
• Dumb as a bucket of rocks. (Pretty dumb)
•  Oh my stars and garters 
• They don't know her from Adam's house cat 
• If you can't stand the heat, get outta the kitchen 
• Cute as a bug in a rug 
• Let it roll off you like a water of a duck's back 
• Rode hard and put up wet
• That gives me the heebies 
• "I'm happier than a dog with two peters.
•  I'll knock you in the head and tell God you died.
•  She always looks like she stepped out of a band box. 
• Act like you got some raising. 
• You're the spitting image of your mother/father. 
• She's madder than a wet hen in a tote sack. 
• Sunday go-to-meetin' clothes (best dress) 
• Fish or cut bait. (Do it or hush about it.) 
• Well he/she's just down rite sorry. (person not well thought of or respected)
•  Plumb fell off (lost weight) 
• Well, thank you, Billy Sunday (when someone said something rude)
• Running around like a chicken with it's head cut off
• Colder than a witch's titty 
• I'll jerk a knot in your tail!
• That wall is all catawampus. (crooked)
• She's got more nerve than Carter's got Liver Pills.
• You better straighten up and fly right or I'll knock your teeth down your throat and you'll spit 'em out in single file.

Ya'll come back now, heah!